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Chapter 10
How To Be Successful In
Marriage
UCCESS in marriage includes finding a suitable mate. It embraces being
attractive enough to this suitable mate that there is willingness to enter the
state of matrimony. It implies the ability to continue to hold the love,
respect and good will of the partner after marriage. And it signifies the
partners are mutually beneficial, and that their association results in peace, harmony
and happiness to both.
Each of these requisites to a successful marriage will be discussed in proper
sequence, with a view to determine how they may be attained. Yet as marriage is the
result of sexual impulse, we can hardly hope to make a success of marriage and at the
same time remain in ignorance of the laws of sex. Marriage is a sexual relation, and to
understand its significance we should know something about the natural
development of sex and the love life.
Fortunately, late experimental psychology as well as the psycho-analytic schools
have done a great deal to make this matter clear. They show that from infancy to late
life there is a series of well defined steps in the development of the sexual attributes
of the normal individual. An infant is fed at the breast. Then with a bottle, and
somewhat later it is permitted to eat solid food with fork and spoon. At length it must
go to school and observe discipline and time-schedules. Finally it is no more
supported by its parents, but must break its nest habits and move out into the world to
shift for itself. These are normal steps in the ability of the child to take care of itself.
Likewise, psychologists show that there are quite as well defined steps in the
development of the love nature.
Sometimes in the development of the child's ability to care for itself the change from
one condition to another is made too suddenly, or under circumstances which cause
deep emotional distress. A pampered child, for instance, may rebel or be badly
frightened when for the first time it is compelled to be away from parents in school. It
may be unprepared to associate congenially with other children. Or when grown up it
may shrink from leaving the parental home. The responsibilities of life may look
unduly formidable to it. As a result of these experiences it may develop emotional
complexes that greatly hamper it. But unless it passes through these normal stages
and finally becomes self-supporting and establishes a home of its own it remains at a
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level somewhat short of adulthood. Likewise, largely due to the ignorance of parents
regarding the normal steps in the sex development of a child and to their prevalent
reluctance to mention anything about sex to it, children frequently have difficulty at
the crisis of their sexual unfoldment. Getting a wrong conception of the matter they
are unable properly to adjust themselves to one or more of the normal stages of
development. Even though outwardly reconciled later to the new condition, the
emotional stresses remain in the astral body as complexes.
Because these complexes were formed in relation to the sexual impulse, and
marriage is a sexual relation, they tend to have a profound influence upon marriage.
Not infrequently they cause a person to be unduly shy in the presence of the opposite
sex, to be unduly critical of the marriage partner, to react emotionally to the marriage
partner in a quite unreasonable way, and to have unreasonable feelings of attraction
or repulsion toward certain types of the opposite sex. In fact, the emotional
experiences of the child as it passes through the various stages of its sexual
development very largely determine what kind of a mate it will be attracted to, its
manner of courtship, and its emotional reactions to the mate after marriage.
A child is given toys to play with, but when it reaches maturity it discards toys for
adult pursuits. Both the child and the adult are physically and mentally active, but this
activity has been transferred from childish objects to adult objects. Should the adult
be unable to discard his childish toys, but still retain them as the objects of his
activities, we could say that his activities were "fixated" at the childish level, and that
he had a "fixation" on the toys. So also, there is a natural development through
various steps of attachment from infancy to late life. This is accomplished by the
"transference" of the affections from the childish objects to those of advanced age. If,
however, as sometimes happens, the individual cannot "transfer" his childish
attachment we may say that he has a "fixation" on a certain person familiar to his
childhood.
To a scientist who observes the early stages of the butterfly to be a crawling worm,
who recognizes that during gestation the unborn child passes through stages of
development analogous to fish, amphibian, and reptile, it would seem strange if
man's emotional nature did not pass through successive stages from something
simple to something more beautiful and complex. Let us, therefore, briefly follow the
natural steps in the affectional development of human life as set forth by leading
psychologists.
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Levels of Affectional
Development
1. To begin with, and quite naturally, the infant's interests are entirely devoted to
himself. He explores himself and finds considerable pleasure in contact with certain
sensitive zones of his body. His love is centered on himself. This is called the period
of "narcissism" after the fabled youth, Narcissus, who fell in love with his own
reflection in the water. In abnormal cases there is a failure to transfer the affections to
another and the individual remains largely at the "narcissus" emotional level
throughout life.
Considerable interest in themselves from an affectional standpoint is commonly to
be observed in small children, and should not be deemed unnatural. But if, due to an
emotional conflict set up at this time, there is a partial "fixation" on self, so long as
this "fixation" remains in the unconscious it will interfere seriously with a successful
marriage. The individual with such a complex in his unconscious is unable to release
his affectional interest in himself so that he can give himself wholeheartedly to the
one he loves. Until he dissolves this complex by recognizing its source, he will have
the feeling that something is lacking in his relations with his partner, and the partner
also will sense something is amiss.
2. In the normal affectional development of the infant there is a gradual transfer of the
love nature from self to the parents. Commonly, and quite naturally according to the
psychologists, the mother becomes the chief object of the boy's affection and the
father the chief object of the girl's affection. This is called the Oedipus period after
the legend of Oedipus, who after guessing the riddle of the Sphinx became a king and
married the reigning queen, who unknown to him was actually his mother.
3. In the normal order of things, usually preceding puberty, there is a still further
transfer in which the parents no longer are the sole center of interest. The affections
move on to a close comradeship and affection for some other person of the same sex.
The boy becomes a hero worshiper of some older boy or man, or closely allies
himself with a pal of his own age. The girl gets a "crush" on her lady teacher, or on
some other girl, and embraces her and walks with her arm about her on every
available occasion.
Disease is quite repugnant to the normal person, and arrested development is really a
disease. If the brain remains that of an infant, or if a limb fails to develop, we look
upon it as a great affliction. Arrested emotional development, likewise, is a disease.
Youngsters just before and at the age of puberty are interested in others of their own
sex. Hence their associations at this time of life should be carefully guarded lest they
go emotionally astray.
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Attraction toward members of the same sex is called homosexuality. Occasionally an
individual becomes "fixated" at this level. This disease, so repugnant to the normal
individual, is due to lack of transfer from a childish emotional object to one suitable
for adult expression.
A disagreeable subject that I should feel reluctant to mention, were it not that
boarding schools and other places where large numbers of children congregate on
intimate terms favor their spread, is solitary habits. Authoritative investigation has
shown in such places that they are more prevalent than commonly recognized. Nor
should I mention such an unattractive subject at all except that it often has an
important bearing on the success of marriage.
Passing over detail, the really great damage is psychological. Left without proper
instructions by parents and teachers the youngster gets erroneous ideas. If normally
minded, the boy or girl if not interfered with before long concludes of his own accord
that his actions are unsound and ceases them. But more often than not he is
discovered by some adult. This adult, instead of explaining that this is an incomplete
and unsatisfactory expression of a sacred function, then throws a scare into him.
To begin with, since his infancy sex has been made of paramount importance and
interest. His questions regarding it have not been fairly met. Always they have been
avoided. He has been told he must do this, and he must not do that, but the reason why
has remained a secret. Mystery and secrecy and the obvious avoidance of its
discussion will cause anything to assume great importance and interest to the mind of
a child. It must be fraught with great possibilities to be thus carefully guarded. And
thus from early infancy, when first he is not permitted to exhibit his body freely, the
suggestion is powerfully hammered into his unconscious mind that sex and all
connected with it are amazing things. Is it any wonder, then, because the emotions
are so constantly stimulated by its dramatic possibilities, that various complexes are
formed in association with this subject.
The adult discovering the youth, and desiring to scare him into a sounder method of
life, tells him that if he continues he will go insane. Or he tells him of other dire results
that will befall. But the result is just the opposite of that expected by the adult. The
emotional stress, more often than not, adds its energy to the habit and not to its
cessation. As a consequence either the habit cannot be entirely broken or there are
nocturnal disturbances. Reading quack advertisements may still further intensify the
fear. As a result a great conflict is set up between two sections of the personality,
between the inability always to act as decided upon, and the desire to act in a more
sanitary manner.
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It is this conflict that tends to wreck the nervous system of the unfortunate. He comes
to look upon himself as an unworthy creature, as something to be shunned by others.
His self-respect diminishes, and recurring acute remorse saps his vitality and
extinguishes his ambition. And if, in addition, a little later in life he gets into the
hands of some quack doctor who emphasizes the seriousness of his trouble, he is led
to believe that he is an abnormal creature unfit for adult responsibilities. Such a belief
seriously hampers the ability to make a proper marriage, and seriously handicaps the
success of whatever marriage is formed.
4. In the normal development of the affectional nature, however, as the youth
approaches maturity there is a very complete transfer of the love impulses to some
eligible member of the opposite sex. This results in marriage.
This, according to fiction and the drama is the end. It is, to be sure, or should be, the
end of adolescence, but it is merely the beginning of adult responsibilities. It
certainly should not be the last step in the development of the love life.
5. In the normal expansion of the love nature there is no transfer from the husband or
wife, but there is a widening of the affections markedly, a decided development in
their inclusiveness that is quite significant; as much so as any of the four earlier
periods. The love for the marriage partner should not grow less, nor should the
relations change in any manner other than that the affections should overflow to
embrace the children, which are now normally a part of the family. The marriage,
which is the identification with another personality, is still further cemented by the
love for and a keen interest in an object of mutual concern.
6. Children grow up, they marry and establish homes of their own. It is wise that
children should do so without hindrance from parents. And at this time there is
another affectional transference. If the marriage has been successful husband and
wife are as devotedly in love with each other as at any time in the past. The transfer is
from the children to a still wider interest. Not that the children are not still loved, but
the love expands to embrace society at large. No longer confronted with the
responsibility of rearing children both become interested in some project or work
that is conducive to the welfare of others.
At this time of life, also, there are certain physiological changes. How these affect the
physical relations depends entirely upon the temperament of the two. Such relations
are not incompatible with age, neither are they necessary to the higher relation to be
mentioned. I refer to regeneration. Nor is it even necessary or even wise to await this
advanced period of life to attain regeneration. But, because the early novelty of
married life is outgrown, because there are no more intimate discoveries to make,
because the children are away from home, because the man bores his wife by talking
about nothing but golf and business, and because the wife is yearly growing fatter, if
the regenerate stage has not been reached by this time there is little to hold man and
wife together. It is advisable to attain regeneration earlier, but if it is not attained now,
the couple remain "fixated" at an affectional level below their possibilities.
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This regeneration is not the same as continence although it is prohibited by excessive
indulgence. It is the blending of the finer forces of man and wife accompanied by an
exquisite magnetic exchange that strengthens the vitality and gives power to the
ambition of both. In the early days of courtship the touch of a hand or the exchange of
a kiss is sufficient to establish this ecstatic rapport. After marriage too often, this finer
blend goes uncultivated, because of too exclusive attention to the physical aspects.
This leaves no surplus of electromagnetic energy to be given the affectional
vibratory rate for forming the perceptible magnetic union. Physical and regenerate
union mutually exclude each other. And thus the biological urge being satisfied,
there is little magnetic pull.
The final development of the love life, then, in so far as it normally expresses on
earth, is the regenerate union of husband and wife who have expanded their love for
each other and for children to embrace mankind as a whole, and who have a mutual
interest in some work for the benefit of others. Such a keen mutual interest in
something other than themselves is one of the strongest forces at all times to make
marriage happy and successful.
7. In addition to the six stages of affectional development of normal life on earth,
there is yet to be considered the spiritual union of soul-mates. There is no physical or
astrological way that two people can be proved to be or not to be soul-mates. It is a
theory that is supported by much analogy. The reports of the psychic senses can
hardly be trusted in a matter where there is so strong an emotional bias. The value of
the idea, therefore, is more philosophical than practical.
To illustrate my meaning more clearly, for a full forty years now I have observed both
men and women who have decided to find their soul-mates. I have so far never
known an individual who set out with this exclusive intention but who found a lot of
trouble. Furthermore, when the so-called soul-mate was found by this diligent
search, the union has almost never proved successful.
It is human nature to build up fictions of things as we would like them to be. It is so
easy for a man or woman who is dissatisfied with the present mate to build up a
fantasy that the longed for perfection is to be found in another. I have known it
repeatedly to happen, however, that a person who was making a valiant effort to do
something for humanity has been drawn into contact with and married another of
similar aspirations. These marriages are often ideally happy, and I have no wish to
disparage them. Perhaps they are soul-mates. At least they are ideally suited. But
those entering them have not primarily been seeking a soul-mate; they have been
seeking to do some worth while and unselfish work, and perhaps hoping the right
mate would come along. My point is, that to concentrate on finding a soul-mate
rather than upon being worthy of such happiness by accomplishing some unselfish
work, does not, according to my observation, result satisfactorily.
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Power of the Parental
Image
--At any of the earlier stages of normal sexual development there may occur a total
or partial "fixation." Such arrested development is as fatal to a successful marriage as
development that stops at the mental age of the twelve year old is fatal to success in a
profession. Intelligence tests made during World War I indicate that an appreciable
percentage of our population has never developed further mentally than the twelve
year old normal child, and our psychologists have since collected data to show that
about as large a percentage of other persons are still children in their emotional
development. But this emotional development commonly may be brought up to
normal by education. When the individual is made to recognize that he has stopped at
a level of immaturity, or that he has a "fixation," this knowledge brings about an
effort toward emotional readjustment. The "fixation" is liberated, or the complexes
are dissolved.
The most common "fixation," and the only one I shall discuss--as the remedy for all
is to be found in recognizing both their source and their effect upon the life--is the
Oedipus complex.
The limited experience of the child provides it with no adequate standard of
comparison. It comes to look upon the father or mother, therefore, as the embodiment
of perfection. The child is unusually susceptible to suggestion, and this suggestion
offered by early environment that the parent is the most perfect creature in the world
sinks so deeply into the unconscious mind that frequently it is never eradicated. Even
in later life the parent is given a certain sanctity.
Though in later life the conscious mind is aware of the imperfections of the parent,
such as to be found in all mortals, still in the unconscious mind the hallowed image is
still retained. The mother is the boy's ideal of a woman, the father is the girl's ideal of
a man. These early images often exert the power of a compelling force in the
selection of a mate. The energy of such an image, with all its emotional content, is
stirred into activity by anything that even superficially suggests the beloved parent.
Even when the mother is a scold, any girl that looks a little like the mother will attract
the young man. In fact, he is as apt to marry a girl with his mother's faults as one with
her virtues, and the quality about the girl suggesting the mother image may be so
superficial that there is no other resemblance. Many a man falls desperately in love
under such circumstances, quite unconscious of the reason, and then wonders later
what there could have been about the girl to attract him. His real love was for the
mother image which something about the girl stirred into motion.
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Girls who have fathers that are drunkards are more apt to marry men who are
drunkards for the same reason. Anything about a man that suggests to the
unconscious mind the father sets into activity all the love that has been felt for the
father. The love of father is transferred to this individual regardless of how worthy or
unworthy he may be.
In these cases, which are not unusual, there has been a normal transference of
affection from the parent to another and eligible object. There has not been a fixation.
But the selection of a mate has been unduly influenced by the parental image.
In other instances, however, there is a more or less complete "fixation." The boy who
has been unduly petted and fondled by the mother, and led to idealize her, becomes
"fixated" on her as an exclusive love image. He looks in vain for a mate that is as
perfect as this fictitious image of his mother. If the coddling has been carried too far
he may even remain in the childish stage where responsibilities are concerned. He
may never be able to break away from home, or even decide things without first
consulting mother. More often he grows up in this respect, and shoulders his
mother's responsibilities. He is her protector and comfort. He may even have desired
to get married, but he cannot bring himself to leave mother. He is unable to make this
normal emotional transfer from mother to mate.
The girl who is humored and caressed by her father has a similar experience. No other
man is as good, or as brave, or as noble, as her father. It is more comfortable to mother
him, and to be provided for by him than to take the hazard of matrimony. Or she may
desire to marry, but be unable to leave the father, or to make the necessary emotional
transfer.
Such complete "fixations" deter marriage. But more often than is commonly realized
there are partial "fixations" that wreck marriages that are formed. The mother image
is so strongly embedded in the unconscious of the man that immediately after
marriage he compares his wife in appearance, in speech and in her work with his
mother. Because the mother image is a fantasy of an ideal rather than an actual
representation, the wife always suffers by comparison. "Bread like mother used to
make" is a common expression of this unconscious mother image. Marriage cannot
be happy where the mother image is so dominant in the unconscious of the husband.
And if, in addition, the mother lives near, or is brought into the home to live, the
condition becomes intolerable for the wife, who intuitively feels that the mother
holds the place in her husband's affections that should belong to her.
The woman with such a partial "fixation" on the father in like manner compares the
husband in all ways with the father. "Father always did it this way." "Father always
provided us with..." "Father never spoke in that manner." Even when unuttered, the
thoughts are there, and always unfavorable to the husband. The woman has not
married a husband, she has married a father-substitute. And because the father image
is merely associated with the husband, rather than the love transferred from the father
to the husband, she often feels that the marriage relations are sinful. And if the father
lives close by, or comes to live with them, there is no hope of a successful marriage.
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Then again, women in the past have been brought up to look upon the marriage
relation as something a little revolting though to be endured. They have been given
the impression that for a woman to have desires is rather wicked. This early training
causes an emotional inhibition due to the suggestion taking such firm root in the
unconscious. There is a conflict and a consequent complex. One part of the
unconscious is bent on expressing the biological need, and the other part looks with
horror upon such expression. The result is that they are unable to give themselves
completely. This engenders discontent upon their own part, and discontent upon the
part of the marriage partner. Each feels in some manner that the other is at fault for the
lack of harmony and complete expression.
In addition to these things, which proper knowledge of their cause would dissipate,
men as well as women are often grossly ignorant of woman's natural reactions. They
are unaware that men and women are parallel in their nervous and magnetic
functions. This ignorance which prevents proper expression of the wife leads to the
establishment of what the psychologists term an "incompletion complex." Such a
complex is accompanied by a feeling of discontent and unhappiness, and is a grave
menace to a successful marriage.
There also may be on the part of one or both other complexes, such as those explained
in Chapter 09, that have been formed through emotional
conflicts early in life that arc unrelated to the love life. But whatever the source of the
complex, if as is usual it gives rise to a feeling of discontent--and chronic discontent
is always the expression of a complex---it has a common and easily recognized way
of expressing itself in the married life. The psychologists call it PROJECTION.
Projection
--As we have seen, affection may be transferred from one object to another.
Likewise any condition within the unconscious, if its true nature is unknown or if
there is a reluctance to face this true condition, may be transferred to the outside
world. In those cases of persecution complexes where people imagine others are
trying to injure them, and become so dangerous that they are locked up to prevent
violence, we have the extreme example of projecting a fear within the unconscious to
entirely innocent persons. A milder form of projection is the person who when a
mistake is made in the office always is sure someone else is to blame.
Because of the emotional association and the close companionship between husband
and wife, it is unusually common to find the wife projecting her inward discomforts
to the husband, or the husband projecting his unconscious strife to the wife. The party
doing the projecting believes and acts as if the other person were the cause of all the
imaginary difficulties which are projections of what he feels within himself. Under
such circumstances nothing the partner can do is right. No matter what the other one
does, it is subject to fault-finding and criticism. The only remedy is for the person
with the complex to realize the source of his discontent, and by facing the facts
reconcile the clashing mental factors within himself.
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At the time the children come into the world, as I have already indicated, the
affections normally expand to embrace the children. Sometimes, however, the love
nature of one or other of the parents is insufficiently elastic to enfold the newcomers
and the partner also. Instead of expanding there is merely a transfer of affections
from the mate to the children. The mate, who up to this time has been the sole object
of affection, now feels an outsider. No longer is there the old responsiveness from the
partner. Unless remedied, this condition frequently leads to separation. The cure is
for both parents to realize that a normal development of the affectional life expands
the love to embrace children without withdrawing it from the mate. In fact, the sight
of the dear miniature copies of the mate should. and normally does, stimulate the love
of the parents for each other.
A man or a woman who enters into business does not consider that after the papers
are signed the business should run itself. Such an attitude would soon result in
business failure. But many people fail to recognize that marriage is one of the most
important ventures of life, and that it will no more run itself successfully than a
business. To make a success of any worth while enterprise--marriage no less than
any other--requires constant effort, careful planning, and vigilance to observe and
strengthen weaknesses that may from time to time develop.
First of all, as in any partnership, both parties must be prepared to make sacrifices.
Nor should these sacrifices all be made by one individual. Human associations, and
marriage in particular, to be successful require a spirit of mutual give and take. Points
where friction may develop should early be settled by some definite understanding.
Some plan should be agreed upon, for instance, in regard to the use of money by the
wife. What this plan is will vary with conditions, but she should not be placed in the
humiliating position of a supplicant for funds, nor should the husband be placed in
the position of one who is continually harassed for disbursements.
Early in the marriage, due to traits or emotional disturbances developed previously,
either partner may exhibit characteristics that are intolerable. If they are handled with
both firmness and kindness right at the start they are much easier managed than they
are later on. If a condition arises which will ultimately result in loss of love, the
sooner it is dealt with the better.
Selecting a Mate
--The best method of determining whether two persons are suited to marry is
through a careful comparison of the birth charts. Something of what the birth chart
reveals, however, may be determined by observation. Primarily marriage is a
physical union. That this union may be satisfactory the magnetic temperament of the
two should be sufficiently similar that there is a ready exchange of electromagnetic
energy between them. This is not merely a feeling of attraction. It is the establishment
of a rapport between them by which energy is exchanged. It is a condition that may be
felt when in the other's presence closely as a blending of the finer forces. This blend
and interchange of subtle energies give pleasure in being physically near to each
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other, make the early marriage more satisfactory, and later make possible the transfer
from the more adolescent phase of love to that of regeneration. If the electromagnetic
forces are of too divergent types they will not fuse but will recoil each from the other.
In astrologically determining the electromagnetic polarity the Ascendant, which is
the ground wire over which the electrical energy reaches the outside world, is
important, as are the planets in the first house, for these have access to the ground
wire. Yet this energy which is commonly known as personal magnetism is not a
simple force, but powerfully influenced by the quality of the signs occupied by Sun
and Moon and the planets aspecting them; to which the vibratory rates of the
Ascendant and planets in the first house are added.
Fiery signs and fiery planets do not blend with watery signs and watery planets, but if
the Sun in one chart is a fiery sign and the Moon or Ascendant of another is in a fiery
sign, the magnetisms may tend to fuse pleasantly. Such vibrations as are indicated by
Aries united to Cancer, Capricorn united to Gemini, or Taurus united to Leo,
however, unless there are other sympathetic points of contact, tend to jar upon each
other.
Marriage is not merely a physical union, it is also a mental partnership. That this
mental partnership shall be successful it is not necessary that both shall be equally
brilliant, or both always interested in the same thing. But it is essential that both have
some common mental interest Or real importance. Both may be interested in
athletics, in travel, in literature, in art, in social uplift, in occultism. The more
common interests the better, but at least there should be one important attraction
which gives them a common and interesting ground for exchange of thought. Not
only do people grow after marriage, but they should grow. Unfortunately one may
grow in one direction and the other in a different way. If, therefore, they do not have a
mutual intense interest they should select something for both to become interested in.
It is even more essential in later life, when the passions seem less important and the
early problems have been solved, that husband and wife should have something that
both delight in to discuss and work for. It is mental compatibility that lends the finest
flavor to domestic existence.
Marriage is also a spiritual relationship. While it is not essential that man and women
have similar views and spiritual ideals, yet at least there should be tolerance and
sympathetic understanding.
If one wishes to make what is considered spiritual advance, and the other opposes it
as mere nonsense, the conditions are not present for proper harmony.
When to Marry
--I know of only one way in which to select a propitious time for courtship and
marriage. That is by consulting the progressed aspects made in the chart of birth.
While there must be a progressed aspect to the ruler of the seventh house or marriage
will not take place, the dominant harmony or discord of the progressed aspects at the
time largely determine how successful the particular marriage will be.
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In the analysis of 100 charts of people divorced, as set forth in the book WHEN AND
WHAT EVENTS WILL HAPPEN
1
, it was found that at the time of their marriage
79% had discordant progressed aspects predominant, 52% had only discordant
progressed aspects to the ruler of the seventh 44% had only discordant progressed
aspects to the ruler of the opposite sex, and 28% had only discordant progressed
aspects to Venus, the planet of affection. All of these, and 115 other charts analyzed
in the same book at the time of marriage, had a progressed aspect to the ruler of the
seventh house.
The analyses of the progressed aspects in the birth charts of these 215 people at the
time of marriage emphasized the unwisdom of marrying at a time when the
progressed aspects are dominantly discordant. While of the 100 marriages resulting
in divorce 79 had discordant progressed aspects dominant, only 3 of them had
harmonious progressed aspects dominant, and the remaining 18 had harmonious and
discordant progressed aspects at the time rather evenly balanced. Thus unless the
progressed aspects at the time are dominantly harmonious the marriage starts under a
tremendous handicap.
Next in importance to the dominant progressed influence at the time is the harmony
or discord of the progressed aspects to the ruler of the seventh. In 52 of the marriages
resulting in divorce the only progressed aspects to the ruler of the seventh were
discordant, in 17 they were harmonious only, and in the balance they were about
evenly balanced. Thus marriage at a time when there are no harmonious aspects to
the ruler of the seventh is rather hazardous.
The significant factor however is this: Quite a percentage of these people who
divorced, later remarried when their progressed aspects were harmonious, and made
a success of the later marriage.
While it is true that people fall in love at other times, they do not marry until there is a
major progressed aspect to the ruler of the seventh house. Friendly progressed
aspects of Venus, however, tend to make all affectional matters joyful and
successful. Harmonious progressed aspects of the Moon in a man's chart, and
harmonious progressed aspects of the Sun in a woman's chart, furthermore, tend to
attract those of the opposite sex who are beneficial. And while any progressed aspect
to the ruler of the seventh house may give the thought-cells mapped by this
compartment of the finer form enough energy to attract marriage, if the marriage is to
prove successful the dominant progressed aspect and at least one progressed aspect
to the ruler of the seventh should be harmonious.
1
Out of Print
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Just a word of caution here: An aspect to Uranus by progression excites the magnetic
flow markedly and attracts others powerfully if the aspect is harmonious, and causes
attraction to others powerfully even when discordant. An aspect to Neptune tends to
idealize people in a way they are unable to live up to. Infatuations often take place
under progressed aspects to either of these planets. The magnetic pull set up by
Uranus then subsides as soon as the progressed planet is out of orb, and the imaginary
qualities attributed to the person by Neptune give place to disillusionment as soon as
its aspect is over. It is therefore unwise to marry when the chief influence by
progression is an aspect either to Uranus or Neptune; for even if these are harmonious
the attraction, which is unusually strong at the time, does not last.
Attracting a Mate
--Courtship is difficult when the ruler of the fifth house or the ruler of the seventh
house is afflicted by progressed aspect, but when either of these planets receives
good progressed aspects, when Venus makes favorable progressed aspects, and
when the Moon in a man's chart, or the Sun in a woman's chart, makes harmonious
progressed aspects, such matters move forward nicely.
Attracting a mate, as well as holding one after marriage, should not be left to chance.
It is a matter of enough importance to warrant intelligent effort of the highest type.
After you are convinced that a certain eligible person is suitable and desirable, the
next thing to do is to gather as much information about the inclinations, tastes, and
ambitions of this individual as possible. With this knowledge you are prepared for
the attempt to win love, respect and devotion.
The one thing that should ever be remembered in this effort is that PLEASURE IS
ATTRACTIVE AND PAIN IS REPELLENT. People are attracted to each other
only because they find pleasure in each other's company. But all people do not find
pleasure in the same things. Even a little strife and opposition is more pleasurable to
some than entirely smooth sailing. The joys of making up may even at times
compensate for a quarrel. One thing, however, is quite universal. No one wants what
is too easy to get. The rare, the unusual, the difficult to procure excite desire for
possession. Nor does the normal individual desire another who is a "door-mat."
Self respect engenders the respect of others, and this is an attractive quality, for
people find pleasure in what they hold in high regard. Self confidence, also, is
essential. In fact, what you are attempting to do, is to sell another on certain ideas in
regard to yourself. Therefore, the cardinal rules of salesmanship, as stated in
Chapter 08, all apply with equal force to courtship.
What the things are that give the most pleasure to any particular individual can only
be learned through a study of that person's various biases. Those things that
commonly are found to be attractive are set forth in Chapters 05
and 06. Being too good to a person without at the same time being firm,
however, is often interpreted as being "easy" and lacking in character. The perusal of
the lessons mentioned will suggest definite lines of conduct to follow. Above all, you
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must keep the interest of the person to be won. It may be better even for a time to have
some antagonism than to be out of mind; for antagonism at least has a chance of being
converted into affection, but so long as you do not have the attention of the person
there is no hope to win. To win and hold a mate you must keep him or her
INTERESTED.
Demonstrating a Mate
--To formulate and hold in the mind the image of the ideal mate, endowing this
image with the attributes you desire the mate to possess, and while holding this image
to repeat "SOUL OF MY SOUL COME TO ME," will certainly attract you to some
person. Such procedure should be practiced with much caution, however, and
without too much emphasis. In fact, it is better to formulate the image clearly, and
hold a general desire that the ideal will someday be realized. Otherwise some person
very likely will be attracted to you who in addition to some of the desired qualities
may have others that are very disagreeable. Or one may be attracted who will bring
much trouble and harassing situations.
Holding the Mate
--The one thing that separates more people than any other is monotony. Life is
change and people demand that they shall keep interested. Sitting at the same table
every day, discussing the same topics, laboring at the same employment, following a
deep rutted routine, drives people to disgust with themselves and with their mates.
They feel the need of the spice of adventure. So if you would hold your mate, find
some way of being entertaining, and see to it that the monotony is broken at frequent
intervals by something new or adventurous undertaken together. Follow all the rules
of Chapter 06 for holding a friend, and also those of
Chapter 05 for being attractive. To attract a mate you
would not shuffle about unshaven, in shirt sleeves, and with hair uncombed, nor
would you lounge around with hair wrapped about curling pins, dressed in a tousled
kimono.
People who marry commonly are magnetically attractive to each other and have
some mental interests in common. Images of the other are built up in the mind about
pleasant impressions. Nor is there any fundamental reason why they should not
continue to love. Once these pleasant images in the unconscious are replaced with
those built around painful impressions, though, and it is very difficult to reconstruct
the attractive ones.
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Both jealousy, and worry because the other is becoming indifferent, are powerful
mental treatments directed toward the other that tend to force him away. Jealousy is a
mental force that strikes the finer body of the loved one with a violent repelling force.
Fear of losing the loved one is a slow canker reaching the finer body of the other as a
discord that eats away such affection as is present. Confidence that the love can be
held is a mental treatment of powerful attractive force; and this, together with such
actions as conduce to pleasure--particularly to interest--are powerful forces to
revive and hold the other's affections.
People who wish to retain or revive their affection for each other may do so by the
very simple expedient of thinking of the other as frequently as possible in association
with circumstances in the present or past that are pleasurable, and avoiding painful
experiences and painful thoughts while thinking of the other. This, of course, implies
that the other cooperate to give pleasure and avoid pain.
Occult Considerations
--As the fortune in marriage depends primarily upon the harmony or discord of the
thought-cells mapped by the seventh house, to a degree upon the harmony or discord
mapped by the planet Venus, and to some extent upon the harmony or discord
mapped by the planet representing the opposite sex, there is opportunity to make
marriage more fortunate by giving these three sets of thought-cells more happy
desires.
The thought-cells mapped by the seventh house may be given more harmonious
desires by thinking pleasantly as often as possible of marriage, by using thoughts
characteristic of the planet ruling the seventh house, or those which are the mental
antidote (Course 9) of the planet ruling the seventh house.
If the ruler of the seventh house is afflicted, associating with objects ruled by it will
increase the power of its thought-cells to attract discord where marriage is
concerned. But close association with names, numbers, colors, gems and locations
ruled by the planet which is most favorable to seventh house matters are influences
that contribute both to the winning and the holding of the mate. They help somewhat
to make marriage successful.